Another Sean Bernard

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Introduction

In case your interests don’t include major league baseball, men’s hair dye, Seinfeld, or BluBlockers, you may, however unlikely it is, never have heard of a particularly unique human being: Keith “Mex” Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez is an Interesting American™. Alongside Huell Howser, he is a member of the still-being-assembled original class to be inducted into the Hall of Wonderfully Bizarre Quasi-Celebrities™. Why? Mainly, Keith is known for being a major league baseball player—one of the best never to be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

But he’s known for so much more!

He’s Keith Hernandez!
  • Since 2006, Keith Hernandez has been an announcer for the New York Mets on SNY.tv, alongside play-by-play man Gary Cohen and former teammate Ron Darling. They are THE third BEST BROADCAST TEAM IN BASEBALL.
  • Keith’s Famous Friends: Richard Nixon. Donald Trump.

Why are we fixated on Keith? We have, of late, decided to try a new way of living—because it gets old, being slave to the self. Why this self? We’re tired of our actions, our thoughts, all reactions and boring habits. Who isn’t? This is why we read books and watch TV, it’s why we drink and take recreational drugs: we try to vanish from the self. Wouldn’t it be nice to find a little hole somewhere, maybe inside a tiny office building, a hole that we could step through, that would allow us to enter the consciousness of someone else … casting our own aside for a time … and just being … other?

Enter: The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™.

Because who doesn’t want to be a charming almost-Hall of Famer? Maybe a lot of people, sure, but at least some want to try out otherness, if only for a little bit. So, to this end, we have created a matrix: a system of inputs* that shape the manner in which we, as KEITH HERNANDEZ, will act and think. The matrix, when used correctly, guides us to how to respond to a given situation—basically, it answers the question, What would Keith Hernandez do? No longer do you have to rely on your self, your predilections, your biases and flaws and insecurities and hopes and anxieties and expectations: Keith, the slickest first-base glove of all time, has got you covered!

**Inputs into the The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™ matrix include but are not limited to various facts about Keith Hernandez, eg that his father was a stern if loving authoritarian, he’s happy to take pictures with fans, he liked to drink beer after games, his father and his older brother also played baseball but never made it past the minors, he’s been divorced twice and is not a womanizer but very much a woman-liker, his nickname is Mex though his blood is Spanish (and Scottish and Irish), he’s from northern California, he used to wear shoes 1.5 sizes too small because as he says they fit better, he loves the History Channel and red wine, especially together, he was a huge supporter of Carli Fiorina in 2016, he believes in fundamentals and intangibles, he definitely trusts the eye test more than advanced statistics, he loves crossword puzzles, he’s done his fair share of cocaine, he smoked in the dugout during baseball games, he resists authority, he has a sweet tooth especially for Tootsie Pops but he hates cotton candy, he is worth $15 million and would like to be worth much more, he likes the game Strat-o-Matic, and he lives with this guy:

Hadji

Manifesto #13: Public Safety

  1. If you see something, shut your mouth.
  2. If you see something dangerous, notify authorities.
  3. Did you first pass the Understands Danger! quiz*?
  4. If something is open, just leave it alone for chrissakes. Why you so grabby?
  5. If you see any unattended baggage, leave it alone, too. (For example.)
  6. Well maybe rifle through it only a little bit.
  7. Don’t shout and shout about fires.
  8. Unless, like, there are fires. Then? Just say it flatly.
  9. Extend your arm, your finger, deep voice: “Fire.”
  10. Don’t exclaim—it’s very much against public safety.
  11. No slogans.
  12. Don’t whisper, either—whisper leads to injuries.
  13. Be aware. Look at the world around you. There are many hints.
  14. I.e. if a bird flies overhead and poops on you yes it is in fact a sign.
  15. You have poop on you.
  16. This is why you should generally keep your mouth shut.

*Understands Danger! quiz

  1. Which of the following, A, B, C or D, is dangerous? Choose only one.
A
B
C
D

(answer: come on. you know. don’t you?)

Manifesto #12: Springsteen

Image result for springsteen

I tripped the merry-go-round

I killed everything in my path

I’m ten years burning down the road

Cut loose like a deuce

When I die I don’t want no part of heaven

Come sit by my fire

I just want someone to talk to

I’m comin’ to liberate you, confiscate you

Put your makeup on fix your hair up pretty

I got a bad desire

I don’t have any money

I don’t give a damn

I seen a young man lying by the side of the road

I don’t give a damn

I talk to only strangers

I swing a sledge hammer on a railroad gang

It’s a mad dog’s promenade

I’m going down to the well tonight

And I’m going to drink till I get my fill

Watch out for your junk man

He’s singin’, singin’, singin’, singin’

There’s magic in the night

I wanna be your friend

I wanna guard your dreams and visions

I wanna die with you

Manifesto #11: Mellencampifesto

Image result for mellencamp

Hello, all you losers

I’m a real good dancer

I’m not falling up the ladder—I’m sick of life

(please be quiet, everyone’s asleep)

((sink your teeth right through my bones))

My problems are incorrect:

            I got two circus clowns here who like to fight

            people, more people

            breaks my heart seein’ old people goin’ downtown

            authority always wins

            I’m sexually shy

            I ain’t talkin’ no high heels

            I could be more accommodating

it’s a total disgrace

nobody seems to know why

people ain’t no damn good

You can’t trust ’em

You can’t love em

No one wants to know you if there’s no pork in your barrel

Sometimes you get sick

Growing up leads to growing old

and then to dying

I’m just so scared and lonely all at the same time

No one cares about me

No one cares about me

No one cares about me at all

Manifesto #10: Shopping

A Guest Manifesto

The Gift is to purchase.

The Purchase is political.

Is = efficiency.

The Gift is The Purchase. Focus on produce.

And local breweries.

Those who don’t consume The Purchase are throwing away The Gift.

Minimal packaging is also an important consideration.

Containers by Mother Nature.

Try to shop the perimeter of the store–interesting items!

Stick to the list.

(With some rare exception.)

Manifesto #9: Light Manifesto

When rubidium was used to “stop” light, light only stopped because it ceased to be light.

As it is something that cannot be fully imagined.

O bolt of lightning can be an entire sonata.

The natural agent that stimulates sight.

For this concert I have created a Ball Lightning.

The baby bat screamed out in fright.

Monsters, too, come in the light.

Green was the silence, wet was the light.

Long is the way and hard.

So tipsy here in this world.

Where do I stand in the light of dead stars?

Light exerts physical pressure on objects in its path.

The real tragedy is men who are afraid of light.

Referring generally to visible light.

Light and airy presets.

Light or lite.

Light or heavy bowgun.

Of small particles called.

Michelson’s measure, from Mount Wilson to Mount San Antonio, or Mt. Baldy.

Once, long ago, I stood atop Mt. Baldy.

When I was alive, I aimed to be a student not of longing but of light.

The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable.

Remember: when you light a candle, you also cast a shadow.

The book should be a ball of light in one’s hand.

Not of dark.

The book is to ignite–but not ignore.