In case your interests don’t include major league baseball, men’s hair dye, Seinfeld, or BluBlockers, you may, however unlikely it is, never have heard of a particularly unique human being: Keith “Mex” Hernandez.
Keith Hernandez is an Interesting American™. Alongside Huell Howser, he is a member of the still-being-assembled original class to be inducted into the Hall of Wonderfully Bizarre Quasi-Celebrities™. Why? Mainly, Keith is known for being a major league baseball player—one of the best never to be inducted into the Hall of Fame.
But he’s known for so much more!
- Winner of the 2007 American Mustache Institute’s best sports mustache
- “Lacanian” documentary (not bad, not great): I’m Keith Hernandez
- Maybe you’ve heard of a little show about nothing?
- The episode title: The Boyfriend. The boyfriend: Keith Hernandez. The Boyfriend Uses: Jerry. The Boyfriend makes out with: Elaine. How does he do this? CHARM.
- Since 2006, Keith Hernandez has been an announcer for the New York Mets on SNY.tv, alongside play-by-play man Gary Cohen and former teammate Ron Darling. They are THE third BEST BROADCAST TEAM IN BASEBALL.
- Keith’s Famous Friends: Richard Nixon. Donald Trump.
Why are we fixated on Keith? We have, of late, decided to try a new way of living—because it gets old, being slave to the self. Why this self? We’re tired of our actions, our thoughts, all reactions and boring habits. Who isn’t? This is why we read books and watch TV, it’s why we drink and take recreational drugs: we try to vanish from the self. Wouldn’t it be nice to find a little hole somewhere, maybe inside a tiny office building, a hole that we could step through, that would allow us to enter the consciousness of someone else … casting our own aside for a time … and just being … other?
Enter: The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™.
Because who doesn’t want to be a charming almost-Hall of Famer? Maybe a lot of people, sure, but at least some want to try out otherness, if only for a little bit. So, to this end, we have created a matrix: a system of inputs* that shape the manner in which we, as KEITH HERNANDEZ, will act and think. The matrix, when used correctly, guides us to how to respond to a given situation—basically, it answers the question, What would Keith Hernandez do? No longer do you have to rely on your self, your predilections, your biases and flaws and insecurities and hopes and anxieties and expectations: Keith, the slickest first-base glove of all time, has got you covered!
**Inputs into the The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™ matrix include but are not limited to various facts about Keith Hernandez, eg that his father was a stern if loving authoritarian, he’s happy to take pictures with fans, he liked to drink beer after games, his father and his older brother also played baseball but never made it past the minors, he’s been divorced twice and is not a womanizer but very much a woman-liker, his nickname is Mex though his blood is Spanish (and Scottish and Irish), he’s from northern California, he used to wear shoes 1.5 sizes too small because as he says they fit better, he loves the History Channel and red wine, especially together, he was a huge supporter of Carli Fiorina in 2016, he believes in fundamentals and intangibles, he definitely trusts the eye test more than advanced statistics, he loves crossword puzzles, he’s done his fair share of cocaine, he smoked in the dugout during baseball games, he resists authority, he has a sweet tooth especially for Tootsie Pops but he hates cotton candy, he is worth $15 million and would like to be worth much more, he likes the game Strat-o-Matic, and he lives with this guy: