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June 1: Falafel Flame, Tanya’s Lebanese Kabab, Zaky Mediterranean Grill

June 3, 2022 by seanbernard

One of our first questions in starting FalafelQuest© this summer was: What makes good falafel? And: What makes bad falafel? And: how many questions can be a first question? Well, we have an answer to the second of those three first questions:

Zaky Mediterranean Grill, Tanya’s Lebanese Kabab, and Falafel Flame–they all make bad falafel!

Before getting into our ratings, a Falafel Factoid and a little institutional history and context: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE largest falafel weighs 223 lb 12.3 oz, and was achieved (birthed?) by Hilton Dead Sea Resort & Spa in the Dead Sea, Jordan, on 31 May 2019? Yummo!

Moving on. Zaky Mediterranean Grill is maybe a familiar name to you as it’s become a local Southern California chain. We were a little (non?)plussed by its numerous interior NT images of crosses and other crosses, and then, in reading about Zaky, we learned that in 2005 it was “first founded by a Christian based family in Rancho Cucamonga.” Which, wow, that sentence. Was it founded second by another family? What is Christian “based”? And: Rancho?! Since we’re on the topic, Zaky was actually the best of the three falafels we had on the first founded/based day of June 2022 … which isn’t to say it was particularly good:

  • Texture: 3/5: these were VERY SMALL falafels, just about the size of three-dimensional quarters, and while they were well-fried, the smallness made them far too crunchy (and too oily, too), which robbed them of that nice soft falafel interior.
  • Spice: 3.5/5: fairly well-spiced, nicely balanced, nothing overly pronounced…which means they were a little bland.
  • Herbaceousness: 3.5/5: fairly green tasting, fairly green colored.
  • Value: 2/5: you can get a single falafel for a buck … but that’s weird, so your other options are to get a bowl or platter or sandwich; Zaky has an annoying Chipotle-styled menu, basically, and we opted for the bowl, which comes with a ‘base’ (starch–we went rice), a sauce (we went tzatziki, it was meh), and the falafel … for $12.49, which is just far too much for rice, soaked and ground chickpeas, and a dollop of cucumber-yogurt.

We were rooting hard for Tanya’s Lebanese Kabab, a tiny little shop that we think was being run entirely by Tanya herself and had a very homey feel: a child was somewhere near the main room, and there was evidence of TV watching and homework. Also in the same little Upland complex we found not only an Indo-Pak grocery story but this:

another Hi Brow! There’s also one in Claremont/Pomona–a dive-bar chain?!?!

We asked MaybeTanya what else we should get beside falafel and she shrugged and said to get what we wanted. So we just got falafel. (Restauranteurs: have a recommendation, have a point of pride, right?) Unfortunately, Tanya’s falafel, while not suffering from the same fervent-factory-feel of Zaky, was disappointing:

  • Texture: 2/5: these were very loose falafels, not fried enough to get that crunchy exterior, and they just ate a little mealy, as if the chickpeas were ground enough of maybe weren’t soaked enough (maybe no baking soda?).
  • Spice: 2/5: bland city.
  • Herbaceousness: 1/5: nada. These were a pale brown on the interior. Sad.
  • Value: 5/5: the good (?) news is that Tanya’s is cheap af. We got the falafel platter–hummus, pita (lol store-bought pita that was still in the store bag), tahini, salad, and a couple pickled peppers, and this was $9.99. You can also get falafel (and various schawarmah) sandwiches for seven bucks. We probably won’t be back, but maybe Tanya’s has other good offerings. Let us know!
Falafel Flame’d out: look how firm that sauce is

As the good book says, the last shall be first, and the first shall be last — and our first stop, Falafel Flame, was certainly the last. Let’s be quick with it:

  • Texture: 1/5: burned, bitter, and oily. Yum!
  • Spice: 2/5: CUMIN IS NOT THE ONLY SPICE YOU SHOULD BE USING.
  • Herbaceousness: 3/5: these actually had a fair amount of herb-forward flavors … but burned falafel is something that can’t be overcome … just like
  • Other: 0/5: Okay, look at that photo. Look at that sauce. Their “tahini” sauce is clearly whipped with some sort of oil, making it a firm and almost gelid, well, mayo-like gel sitting (unasked for, mind you) atop all the falafel. Just–no.
  • Value: we’re not going to score value when the food is gross, but the falafel platter was six bucks, a reasonable-enough price (in terms of cost per falafel).

So, just two posts into our journey, a few takeaways:

  1. We’re not sure we really like falafel.
  2. We’re definitely done going to random falafel places in Upland.
  3. Why falafel places serve falafel on beds of shredded lettuce is mind-boggling. All the lettuce does is get steamed and wilty. Why do this?
  4. We’re starting to get a sense of some strong falafel aspects, such as size (mandarin orange seems good), fried-ness (don’t burn it!), and spice/herb (yes, and more). We just need to, well, find good falafel.

So we’re moving onward–if a bit more judgily and warily. More to come!

Category: Blog
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