There are four Residency quadrants: STAFF, OTHER RESIDENTS, SHARED SPACES, and SELF. Remain in SELF quadrant as much as possible.
There are only four Residency quadrants! Rumors of TOWN quadrant are a trap do not ever go to town.
STAFF: Do not approach STAFF. Do not in person ever request anything from STAFF. All requests are done using the Clipboard of Requests did you even read the residency manual? Do not speak to STAFF unless spoken to even then do not speak to STAFF unless asked specifically by STAFF why you aren’t speaking to STAFF and only then is it permissible to speak to STAFF. Briefly.
STAFF may try to trick you into speaking to STAFF. Do not be tricked by STAFF.
1: For fuck’s sake don’t put cardamom pods in the goddamn coffee grinder. 2: It is correct to assume everyone wants to listen to your music. 3: Yes the coffee in the pot was in fact brewed specifically for you. 4: Don’t put your dishes away—someone else will. 5: It is encouraged to leave copies of your work around for others to enjoy and then definitely ask: See my work there? Did you read it yet? Oh? Did you like it?
OTHER RESIDENTS: You may ask only, “How is the work going?” Never answer this question truthfully. Interactions with OTHER RESIDENTS are thusly limited to “How is the work going?” “Great! How is the work going?” “Not bad. Hey, how is the work going?” “I had a fucking great day, I just killed it, how is the work going?”
NO! That last was a test! Never say, “I had a fucking great day, I just killed it.” Unless lying.
SELF (1): Set clearly defined work goals. Chart these well-defined goals. Affix various goal charts on wall. Spend time reconsidering them. Take a nap. Yawn. Snort. Wake up. Sigh. What was SELF doing? Ah, the charts. Lovely charts! Hmm. How might the charts possibly change? How ’bout those axes? Pie, maybe? Perhaps bar? The charting and recharting and even uncharting of goals may become a replacement to actual time spent on work goals. This is encouraged.
SELF (2): Definitely intend to change all your consumption and exercise habits that’ll work lol. Bring all the books you’ve intended to read in the past year. Display them prominently so they look nice in their month-long resting spot. Bring several self-flagellation whips. Share the extra whips, explaining their use, encouraging others. How about a morning group whip session? Whap. How is the work going? Whap. Well how about the charts? Those suck, too? Whap, whap. Ah fuck it, smoke a cigarette, drink another beer hey you bought whiskey, nice, sure! WHAP. Oh I had a great fucking day, I just KILLED it! Want to see my charts WHAP!? How are the WHAPWHAP charts going? Did you do your Tuesday chart? Whap What Whap? How can you even know if you’re whap getting anywhere if you haven’t set a clear whap goal, if you haven’t whap told yourself what it is you hope to even do?