Manifestos

Manifesto #16: How to Watch James Bond movies

Evening—lights off, curtains drawn.

Wearing your Dsquared2 tuxedo.

Two martinis in.

IMDB at the ready. Eg

Famke Janssen was Xenia Onatopp?

Lois Chiles was Dr. Holly Goodhead??

Wonder: What if Bond girls weren’t women?

What if they were all IT men?

Would that make the films brilliant?

Occasionally shut off the sound and turn the subtitles on.

To speak like James. Naturally.

Is that Robert Shaw?

Speak like Goldfinger, too.

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

Three martinis in.

Wonder: do dead Bond villains gather and watch Bond movies and compare notes and shit-talk James and argue about who’s the best villain and who can say the best villain lines the best?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

Is that Telly Savalas? Telly Savalas had a #1 UK hit song?? Is it that TERRIBLE???

Adele is a little annoying.

Is that Christopher Walken?

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

Would Jaws have a biter’s chance against Jaws?

Is that how Robert Shaw fits in?!?!

Four martinis.

Why do I keep picturing the guy who was first married to Angelina Jolie?

No, no—the guy before Billy Bob.

Would Billy Bob be a good Bond villain?

Would Angelina Jolie be a good Bond girl?

Or maybe just a good Bond?

Definitely do Bond ratings eg Craig (AA), Moore (B), Dalton (BB). How you feel about George Lazenby reveals much.

What kind of name is Pierce?

Why hello, I’m Seven, Agent Double Oh Seven, I drink martinis, I expect me to die.

Yeah Ian vodka over gin but what does Sting have to do with anything?

Why was Moneypenny American?

If her name was Currencydime would she be French?

Would Eva Green play her?

It’s okay to touch yourself a little—the lights are off. That’s the point.

Ah, there. The film’s almost over. Now wasn’t that easy?

Everything’s better after all with a mouthful of racist olives and sexyest vodka.

Naturally.

Manifesto #15: Self-Care

a guest manifesto by Emma Gerigscott

Advice if you find yourself stressed and unable to care for yourself:

Run a hot bath
Put in three thai birdseye chilis
And a venison roast
Put cucumber slices on your eyes (leave eyes open)
the rest of the cucumber can be wedged into your anus
OIL! Glug glug some oil in there
Take an antique pitchfork
Stir stir stir
Take the cucumber out
Hm, bit of poop on it
Drop it in, too

Now begin to sob
And order Door Dash cupcakes
Write in lipstick on the mirror
BLOODY MARY BLOODY MARY
Craving a bloody mary?
You’re in luck, because what you’ve just made in the bath
Is an excellent bloody mary base.
Just add shrimp!

Lastly, put on that blindfold that says MOMMY TIME

And eat cupcakes while you watch FRIENDS. (Yes, you have a blindfold on, but who really needs to watch FRIENDS when the dialogue is so so amazing?)

Wake up feeling refreshed and just as insecure as the day before!

LIFE IS GREAT GO TO THE BEACH

FLIP FLOPS.

Manifesto #14: Residencies

There are four Residency quadrants: STAFF, OTHER RESIDENTS, SHARED SPACES, and SELF. Remain in SELF quadrant as much as possible.

There are only four Residency quadrants! Rumors of TOWN quadrant are a trap do not ever go to town.

STAFF: Do not approach STAFF. Do not in person ever request anything from STAFF. All requests are done using the Clipboard of Requests did you even read the residency manual? Do not speak to STAFF unless spoken to even then do not speak to STAFF unless asked specifically by STAFF why you aren’t speaking to STAFF and only then is it permissible to speak to STAFF. Briefly.

STAFF may try to trick you into speaking to STAFF. Do not be tricked by STAFF.

SHARED SPACE:
1: For fuck’s sake don’t put cardamom pods in the goddamn coffee grinder. 2: It is correct to assume everyone wants to listen to your music. 3: Yes the coffee in the pot was in fact brewed specifically for you. 4: Don’t put your dishes away—someone else will. 5: It is encouraged to leave copies of your work around for others to enjoy and then definitely ask: See my work there? Did you read it yet? Oh? Did you like it?

OTHER RESIDENTS: You may ask only, “How is the work going?” Never answer this question truthfully. Interactions with OTHER RESIDENTS are thusly limited to “How is the work going?” “Great! How is the work going?” “Not bad. Hey, how is the work going?” “I had a fucking great day, I just killed it, how is the work going?”

NO! That last was a test! Never say, “I had a fucking great day, I just killed it.” Unless lying.

SELF (1): Set clearly defined work goals. Chart these well-defined goals. Affix various goal charts on wall. Spend time reconsidering them. Take a nap. Yawn. Snort. Wake up. Sigh. What was SELF doing? Ah, the charts. Lovely charts! Hmm. How might the charts possibly change? How ’bout those axes? Pie, maybe? Perhaps bar? The charting and recharting and even uncharting of goals may become a replacement to actual time spent on work goals. This is encouraged.

SELF (2): Definitely intend to change all your consumption and exercise habits that’ll work lol. Bring all the books you’ve intended to read in the past year. Display them prominently so they look nice in their month-long resting spot. Bring several self-flagellation whips. Share the extra whips, explaining their use, encouraging others. How about a morning group whip session? Whap. How is the work going? Whap. Well how about the charts? Those suck, too? Whap, whap. Ah fuck it, smoke a cigarette, drink another beer hey you bought whiskey, nice, sure! WHAP. Oh I had a great fucking day, I just KILLED it! Want to see my charts WHAP!? How are the WHAPWHAP charts going? Did you do your Tuesday chart? Whap What Whap? How can you even know if you’re whap getting anywhere if you haven’t set a clear whap goal, if you haven’t whap told yourself what it is you hope to even do?

Manifesto #13: Public Safety

If you see something, shut your mouth.
If you see something dangerous, notify authorities.
Did you first pass the Understands Danger! quiz*?
If something is open, just leave it alone for chrissakes. Why you so grabby?
If you see any unattended baggage, leave it alone, too. (For example.)
Well maybe rifle through it only a little bit.
Don’t shout and shout about fires.
Unless, like, there are fires. Then? Just say it flatly.
Extend your arm, your finger, deep voice: “Fire.”
Don’t exclaim—it’s very much against public safety.
No slogans.
Don’t whisper, either—whisper leads to injuries.
Be aware. Look at the world around you. There are many hints.
I.e. if a bird flies overhead and poops on you yes it is in fact a sign.
You have poop on you.
This is why you should generally keep your mouth shut.

*Understands Danger! quiz

Which of the following, A, B, C or D, is dangerous? Choose only one.

(answer: come on. you know. don’t you?)

Manifesto #12: Springsteen

I tripped the merry-go-round

I killed everything in my path

I’m ten years burning down the road

Cut loose like a deuce

When I die I don’t want no part of heaven

Come sit by my fire

I just want someone to talk to

I’m comin’ to liberate you, confiscate you

Put your makeup on fix your hair up pretty

I got a bad desire

I don’t have any money

I don’t give a damn

I seen a young man lying by the side of the road

I don’t give a damn

I talk to only strangers

I swing a sledge hammer on a railroad gang

It’s a mad dog’s promenade

I’m going down to the well tonight

And I’m going to drink till I get my fill

Watch out for your junk man

He’s singin’, singin’, singin’, singin’

There’s magic in the night

I wanna be your friend

I wanna guard your dreams and visions

I wanna die with you

Manifesto #11: Mellencampifesto

Hello, all you losers

I’m a real good dancer

I’m not falling up the ladder—I’m sick of life

(please be quiet, everyone’s asleep)

((sink your teeth right through my bones))

My problems are incorrect:

I got two circus clowns here who like to fight

people, more people

breaks my heart seein’ old people goin’ downtown

authority always wins

I’m sexually shy

I ain’t talkin’ no high heels

I could be more accommodating

it’s a total disgrace

nobody seems to know why

people ain’t no damn good

You can’t trust ’em

You can’t love em

No one wants to know you if there’s no pork in your barrel

Sometimes you get sick

Growing up leads to growing old

and then to dying

I’m just so scared and lonely all at the same time

No one cares about me

No one cares about me at all