from manifestoagency.com COURAGEOUS HUMANS/AMBITIOUS BRANDS We are a brand declaration agency that transforms brand beliefs into authentic behavior through the power of culturally disruptive ideas. WHAT WE DO Whether an ethos, a mantra or a maxim, brands need a set of beliefs that guide their every action. We unlock these beliefs and transform them into powerful storytelling platforms, designed to inspire, disrupt and create lasting impact. Our litmus is simple: Is it authentic? Is it engaging? With artisan intuition and craftsman hands, we create high-touch experiences rooted in the core of what brands stand for. SOMETIMES BACON AND VICTORY SMELL STRANGELY FAMILIAR
Evening—lights off, curtains drawn.
Wearing your Dsquared2 tuxedo.
Two martinis in.
IMDB at the ready. Eg
Famke Janssen was Xenia Onatopp?
Lois Chiles was Dr. Holly Goodhead??
Wonder: What if Bond girls weren’t women?
What if they were all IT men?
Would that make the films brilliant?
Occasionally shut off the sound and turn the subtitles on.
To speak like James. Naturally.
Is that Robert Shaw?
Speak like Goldfinger, too.
No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
Three martinis in.
Wonder: do dead Bond villains gather and watch Bond movies and compare notes and shit-talk James and argue about who’s the best villain and who can say the best villain lines the best?
No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
Is that Telly Savalas? Telly Savalas had a #1 UK hit song?? Is it that TERRIBLE???
Adele is a little annoying.
Is that Christopher Walken?
No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
Would Jaws have a biter’s chance against Jaws?
Is that how Robert Shaw fits in?!?!
Why do I keep picturing the guy who was first married to Angelina Jolie?
Would Billy Bob be a good Bond villain?
Would Angelina Jolie be a good Bond girl?
Or maybe just a good Bond?
Definitely do Bond ratings eg Craig (AA), Moore (B), Dalton (BB). How you feel about George Lazenby reveals much.
What kind of name is Pierce?
Why hello, I’m Seven, Agent Double Oh Seven, I drink martinis, I expect me to die.
Yeah Ian vodka over gin but what does Sting have to do with anything?
Why was Moneypenny American?
If her name was Currencydime would she be French?
Would Eva Green play her?
It’s okay to touch yourself a little—the lights are off. That’s the point.
Ah, there. The film’s almost over. Now wasn’t that easy?
Everything’s better after all with a mouthful of racist olives and sexyest vodka.
a guest manifesto by Emma Gerigscott
Advice if you find yourself stressed and unable to care for yourself:
- Run a hot bath
- Put in three thai birdseye chilis
- And a venison roast
- Put cucumber slices on your eyes (leave eyes open)
- the rest of the cucumber can be wedged into your anus
- OIL! Glug glug some oil in there
- Take an antique pitchfork
- Stir stir stir
- Take the cucumber out
- Hm, bit of poop on it
- Drop it in, too
- Now begin to sob
- And order Door Dash cupcakes
- Write in lipstick on the mirror
- BLOODY MARY BLOODY MARY
- Craving a bloody mary?
- You’re in luck, because what you’ve just made in the bath
- Is an excellent bloody mary base.
- Just add shrimp!
Lastly, put on that blindfold that says MOMMY TIME
And eat cupcakes while you watch FRIENDS. (Yes, you have a blindfold on, but who really needs to watch FRIENDS when the dialogue is so so amazing?)
Wake up feeling refreshed and just as insecure as the day before!
LIFE IS GREAT GO TO THE BEACH
There are four Residency quadrants: STAFF, OTHER RESIDENTS, SHARED SPACES, and SELF. Remain in SELF quadrant as much as possible.
There are only four Residency quadrants! Rumors of TOWN quadrant are a trap do not ever go to town.
STAFF: Do not approach STAFF. Do not in person ever request anything from STAFF. All requests are done using the Clipboard of Requests did you even read the residency manual? Do not speak to STAFF unless spoken to even then do not speak to STAFF unless asked specifically by STAFF why you aren’t speaking to STAFF and only then is it permissible to speak to STAFF. Briefly.
STAFF may try to trick you into speaking to STAFF. Do not be tricked by STAFF.
1: For fuck’s sake don’t put cardamom pods in the goddamn coffee grinder. 2: It is correct to assume everyone wants to listen to your music. 3: Yes the coffee in the pot was in fact brewed specifically for you. 4: Don’t put your dishes away—someone else will. 5: It is encouraged to leave copies of your work around for others to enjoy and then definitely ask: See my work there? Did you read it yet? Oh? Did you like it?
OTHER RESIDENTS: You may ask only, “How is the work going?” Never answer this question truthfully. Interactions with OTHER RESIDENTS are thusly limited to “How is the work going?” “Great! How is the work going?” “Not bad. Hey, how is the work going?” “I had a fucking great day, I just killed it, how is the work going?”
NO! That last was a test! Never say, “I had a fucking great day, I just killed it.” Unless lying.
SELF (1): Set clearly defined work goals. Chart these well-defined goals. Affix various goal charts on wall. Spend time reconsidering them. Take a nap. Yawn. Snort. Wake up. Sigh. What was SELF doing? Ah, the charts. Lovely charts! Hmm. How might the charts possibly change? How ’bout those axes? Pie, maybe? Perhaps bar? The charting and recharting and even uncharting of goals may become a replacement to actual time spent on work goals. This is encouraged.
SELF (2): Definitely intend to change all your consumption and exercise habits that’ll work lol. Bring all the books you’ve intended to read in the past year. Display them prominently so they look nice in their month-long resting spot. Bring several self-flagellation whips. Share the extra whips, explaining their use, encouraging others. How about a morning group whip session? Whap. How is the work going? Whap. Well how about the charts? Those suck, too? Whap, whap. Ah fuck it, smoke a cigarette, drink another beer hey you bought whiskey, nice, sure! WHAP. Oh I had a great fucking day, I just KILLED it! Want to see my charts WHAP!? How are the WHAPWHAP charts going? Did you do your Tuesday chart? Whap What Whap? How can you even know if you’re whap getting anywhere if you haven’t set a clear whap goal, if you haven’t whap told yourself what it is you hope to even do?
This morning, we woke to quite an off-putting smell wafting through our house. We crinkled our noses. We frowned. We glared at each other accusingly. Our eyes watered. Reluctantly, we got out of bed and dressed, we wanted the halls of the house, our faces pinched, our noses held high, sniffing at the air…
Then we came to The Litter Box Room.
Sure, we love our cats. But it doesn’t matter: The Litter Box Room is gross. We’re sick of The Litter Box Room. Of the litter boxes. Of the litter always kicked all over the place, no matter what type of mat we situate beneath the box. Of the poop and the pee, especially the poop and pee of our once-street cat who can’t aim to save his life.
This smelly morning, we gazed up into the darkness and wondered, Why even have cats? We saw ourselves as the creatures, driven and derided by vanity; and our eyes burned with anguish and anger and stink.
In despair we thought, What should we do?
Then we remembered … The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™! We fled from The Litter Box Room, fired up TIKHE™, and spoke our fears and hopes and anxieties:
Should we get rid of our cats?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Never! Cats are the meow of life—haven’t you seen me and Hadji?
Well then, should we make our cats outdoor, so they poop and pee in places we never see?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Actually, friends, it’s best to keep your cats indoor, as outdoor cats are susceptible not only to fleas and ticks, but also to communicable diseases like feline AIDS.
Friends, spake The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™, what you need is a new litter box: forget this open entry madness. That’s the path toward mess. Instead, let me tell you about the IRIS Top Entry Cat Litter Box with Cat Litter Scoop.
Today’s we woke up a little tired. We thought, What should we do?
Of course we didn’t ask ourselves–we’re trying to get away from ourselves, after. Enter The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™ .
So we asked again: What should we do?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Have a beer, friend!
We were like, okay, sure. We got dressed, walked down the bar, and sat down. So many taps anymore! We wondered – what beer, Keith?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Good question. What are the choices?
We reviewed the taplist, telling Keith our options: pilsner, stout, bourbon-barrel aged stout, gose, lager, sour, berlinerweisse, IPA, hazy IPA, session IPA, strong ale, red ale, brown ale, blonde.
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: What on earth are you saying? Am I in Prague??
We described the beers.
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: West Coast IPA.
This surprised us. We asked Keith if he was sure about this.
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: West Coast IPA.
Why the West Coast IPA, Keith?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Teddy Roosevelt DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE DRUNK WEST COAST IPAs.
Excuse us, Keith?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Listen. It’s rare that American produces something singular, distinct, not watered down—especially nowadays, with all these nambypambies. The West Coast IPA is the perfect hop expression, drawn basically from Cascade, Chinook, Columbus, and Centennial, the Four Cs of Hop. Everything else is either a fruity gimmick, or might as well be whiskey, or is quote-unquote “easy drinking.”
What about Hazy IPAs, Keith?
The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™: Ha! Hazy IPAs are the Fruity Pebbles to West Coast IPA’s plain Cheerios! The mai tai to a straight shot of dark rum! West Coast IPAs are the distilled madness of beermakers, while everything else is just madness: yes, they are unbalanced. But as you might know, I’m against balance, I myself am unbalanced. Listen: West Coast IPAs are our nation’s most difficult beer. Love them. Also I’m from Pacifica and I like saying IPA.
So: we present to you
THE BEST WEST COAST IPA tournament
as judged by The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™
(all tasting notes are actual Keith Hernandez quotes!)
Ballast Point Sculpin (#1 seed) vs. Lagunitas IPA (#8)
Ballast Point Sculpin: They don’t like me too much in San Diego. Which reminds me—a grasshopper was going along, bothering nobody, and now…he’s all spiced up! What balance! What depth on that breaking ball! Uses the whole field—serious coin!
Lagunitas IPA: No hip rotation. Can I say this? It’s like kissing your sister.
El Segundo Mayberry (#2) vs. Pizza Port Swami’s IPA (#7)
El Segundo Mayberry: You can hold the coffee—I’m wide awake now. This guy is built like a fire hydrant!
Pizza Port Swami’s IPA: El stinkaroni! You’re in for a tough night and a rough morning. Throw it in the nearest trash bin!
Alpine Duet (#3) vs. Stone IPA (#6)
Alpine Duet: Is that a slight haze I detect? How much sugar they put in this thing? Me, I throw Tootsie Pops and make friends all over the place. I just don’t think this beer is well-executed. “I didn’t execute well” – I love that term. Gimme a whiskey, please!
Stone IPA: Well, we have a wild and wooly one! I smell something rotten in Denmark. It’s what’s behind it that’s ferocious—it stretches all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico. A scaldy dog there, let me tell you.
Knee Deep Breaking Bud (#4) vs. Bear Republic Racer 5 (#5)
Knee Deep Breaking Bud: Has fluidity, like a rocking chair. Slight maltiness—more hoppy than bitter, a bit tropical, hints of melon. Very crisp—and I like them crisp.
Bear Republic Racer 5: What are you sending me, balsa wood? I feel like a marsupial with his pouch! This is a small storm. It’s going to pass quickly.
Semifinal 1: Ballast Point Sculpin (#1) vs. Stone IPA (#6)
Ballast Point Sculpin: If it was a linguist, it’d be Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady! Bring on the dancing bears!
Stone IPA: Another guy with his hat not straight! Oh, I just had a cramp in my hamstring. Sorry folks. Minor.
Semifinal 2: El Segundo Mayberry (#2) vs Knee Deep Breaking Bud (#4)
El Segundo Mayberry: I’ve always loved pine tar. This stuff is inspiring within!
Knee Deep Breaking Bud: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get you. This guy’s a wiseacre. You gotta pound that thing down!
Ballast Point Sculpin (#1) vs. El Segundo Mayberry (#2)
El Segundo Mayberry: Needs to pull that mask down a little bit and get some oxygen.
Ballast Point Sculpin: It’s like Caesar coming home in triumph.
Ballast Point Sculpin
So there you have it folks: the best West Coast IPA according to The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™ is, perhaps, unsurprisingly, Ballast Point Sculpin. Get a bottle, get a can. Go to the Gaslamp District, take a boat ride in Long Beach. Find the West Coast. Find the beer. Sit back, channel your inner Keith Hernandez, sip, enjoy, exuding all the charm in all the world.
**Inputs into the The I’M KEITH HERNANDEZ Experience™ matrix include but are not limited to various facts about Keith Hernandez, eg that his father was a stern if loving authoritarian, he’s happy to take pictures with fans, his father and his older brother also played baseball but never made it past the minors, he’s been divorced twice and is not a womanizer but very much a woman-liker, his nickname is Mex though his blood is Spanish (and Scottish and Irish), he’s from northern California, he used to wear shoes 1.5 sizes too small because as he says they fit better, he loves the History Channel and red wine, especially together, he was a huge supporter of Carli Fiorina in 2016, he believes in fundamentals and intangibles, he definitely trusts the eye test more than advanced statistics, he loves crossword puzzles, he’s done his fair share of cocaine, he smoked in the dugout during baseball games, he resists authority, he has a sweet tooth especially for Tootsie Pops but he hates cotton candy, he is worth $15 million and would like to be worth much more, he likes the game Strat-o-Matic, and he lives with this guy: